Mutual Friends with Abusers

I have these mutual friends myself, and I have also been this mutual friend and even lost friends when they discovered I wasn't taking sides. Please understand that this is only a perspective and I'm not trying to make anyone else reading this share this perspective.

It absolutely is possible, but very rare, for someone to be a mutual friend. They must have boundaries strong enough to continue to love the abuser after hearing the truth but the strength to refuse to buy into it, and they can support the person who was abused without feeding information back to the abuser, or in fact help the victim stay safe by sharing information that helps them to avoid the abuser. Unfortunately for us victims, the emotional hurt and constant disrespect of our boundaries by our abusers creates a pattern that makes it very difficult to believe mutual friends are a possibility, because it does take a lot of strength that you can't always expect or trust is real in these very rare others.

Personally I don't think it's practical for us to cancel our abusers and expect others to also do so on our word alone. I won't force real friends to pick sides like that, but I'll protect the information those friends receive from me as there's always the chance it will feed back. I do have a higher caution around these friends, but I still think they are worth keeping as friends as they usually are the ones who have a lot of love to go around, and I just need to make sure they also aren't the type who will meddle and try to 'fix' things which is another form of disrespectful boundary-crossing.

People seem to think it is wholeheartedly picking the side of the abuser to give them any support at all and unfortunately this can often be the case, but the right people can be very validating and keep things separate and act as safety mediators controlling the flow of information. I am very, very careful but I have managed to forge a handful of friendships (involving multiple, unrelated abusers) where it's not my business what their relationship with my abuser is as long as they respect that mine is very, very different. My biggest 'stay safe' rule is that I don't tolerate anyone who creates drama - my abuser can keep them!

We only have our own experiences to make judgments with, and I accept that their experience is different, but informing those few I can trust to both believe me and to hold strong personal boundaries also means they are less vulnerable to becoming a future victim of my abuser as well. If this dialogue can also help them to see when it's their own time to make an exit from their friendship with the abuser, then I will have gained a very good and wise friend who is on my side. Sometimes it takes years, but it can and does happen every now and then. At times, this has even saved me and helped me gain better friendships after I definitely picked the wrong side at first.

I'm sad for those who are not in a place where they can safely give others the benefit of the doubt, and for those who have tried and been constantly let down. Absolutely, the original post message is still true and good advice for all too many of us, and the viewpoint that there is no such thing as a "mutual friend" is valid and keeps many of us safe.